Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
