I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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