I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
