the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
