I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
