hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
