I just gift wrapped bread.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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