So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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