nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My ass is underappreciated
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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