so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
