Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Everyone says I win the strip club
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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