can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
