a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
