do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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