you would pick up someone in the library
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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