Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
