I just saw a hot homeless man
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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