the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
