so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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