brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
