Cold hands, warm shart.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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