I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
