you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
