Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
