I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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