if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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