My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
