have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
