i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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