Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
