I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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