I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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