If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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