Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
