at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
