I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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