Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My bed smells like the plague
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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