he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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