Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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