I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
