Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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