we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
