u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
