I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We need to rekindle our bromance
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
