i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
