I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
