I could make wine with my vomit
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
