Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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