So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
