My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
