So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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