My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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