I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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