Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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